We were 18 again but with the experiences of today. The tassel rested to the left of my face and the speeches began. Searching the crowd I saw everyone, everyone but the valedictorian. The trip she would have had to travel was far and my heart felt sadden for no one else seemed to notice her absence. Out changing the world, making an impact on the children, sacrificing everything “comfortable” simply to improve a life. Yet, no one noticed but me. How was this real? The smartest in the class, doing the most important thing any of us were doing, and yet, nothing.
I woke, asking God what this meant but before I could get an answer I was back in the gymnasium. Maybe round two would be different. Again I searched the crowd. Even the undergrads were the same to real life. People I’ve not seen or heard from in ten years were there. Still no valedictorian. As I approached the stage I felt the urge to not let her go unnoticed. But I was just a class clown with not a real thought or concern. I walked through the halls years prior with a phony smile and boisterous personality, now I had something “serious” to talk about? I couldn't fathom they'd react with anything less than a laugh in the face. At this time I tried to do what I normally can, control the dream and make the valedictorian appear. No luck. Not even a sibling or parent.
Yet again I found myself rolling over asking God if he was trying to speak to me. Again before I could hear anything I was back to 18. The songs and speeches began again, the laughter and joy were heard through screams and excitement. I stood in the corner on the top of the bleachers, trying to not provoke any small talk but blend in. I was reminded of the speech that was given in one of the “Twilight” movies. In which she speaks on not knowing what the future holds but it was a time to learn. I couldn't help but to feel this was relevant, maybe not everyone but to me it was speaking.
For the third time I woke and this time I was determined to understand the message. It felt like I woke too early before and God sprinkled some sleeping dust over me to continue speaking. This time I heard his message, “What we know today cannot change the past. What we had then won't always be. And what we hope will one day be again can be restored.”
I won’t go into great detail, but as I tried to continue to share why this dream was important I realized without you knowing this little detail none of it would make sense. The valedictorian of my class and I became good friends after high school. Throughout the years I did and said some regrettable things which tore us apart. To this day it is my only regret in life. I will note, I never meant to cause any of the damage.
“We’re not broken; just bent. And we can learn to love again.”-Pink. This lyric, from the first time I heard it, has wrecked my heart. Love is a choice. Forgiveness is the same. Sometimes both need to occur for peace to reign, but with the choice made to work hard and commit to resolving the hole in ones heart it can become a reality. Many times I am in fact responsible for 85% of the hurt but there is a 15% gap that I, myself, am responsible for loving and forgiving through. Sometimes, I’ve found, within that 15% there is room to love and forgive myself and not only the other party. Sometimes we need to learn that forgiving ourselves is the only way we can truly move forward. The only way we can truly mend a broken relationship and or heart. Not always is it the only way but it is a small portion.
I sit in years of regret, tears, heartache and turmoil. The situation with the valedictorian reminds me often of how imperfect of a human I am. The heartache and broken trust that resides within their heart crushes me on a daily basis, knowing I am responsible for it. I have prayed daily for restoration and forgiveness to be provided upon me. I have wished with all my strength; as though I was in a Disney movie and with enough hope a magical miracle would happen. I have often thought, “If I could only go back and change it, oh how great I would make it all.” But what I have wrestled with the most is that I cannot change anything. Thats probably because of the control issues I have, but that doesn't change the facts. I think God is trying to teach me is, no we cannot change the past because what we know isn't good. And what we had may not remain forever. But the errors, hurts, sorrow we may have caused doesn't necessary mean things cannot be restored and made new again.
I sit here praying daily for the restoration. I know, as it should, it will take a lot of time and proof that things would be different if everything were restored. I know I cannot talk my way back or convince anyone. Only in time and God can anything become new. Does that mean that my heart will not be torn daily until that time comes? No. It will. But the hope that I have fills in that hole of hurt a little more each day. I believe this comes through the ability to forgive myself and trust that the Lord will make old and broken things new and rebuilt.
I share this dream not to share of my mistakes but because I believe someone reading this needs to hear that no matter how big you’ve messed up healing can come. My biggest fear is one of us will find death before complete healing but my hope and faith keeps me believing baby steps are being made. And even if inching our way year after year closer, one day the finish line will be crossed and beauty from ashes will be shown. I think many of us have a situation… regret like I speak of. I know Hollywood will often make it a love story regret. But whether a “I should’ve gone for it” or “I shouldn't have done that” I believe fully God can wash all things clean. So, loved ones, I ask you not to lose hope. Do not wish to go back and change it, for you learned and grew immensely through it. And though you do not currently have what you may have, do not believe this is set in any kind of stone. Time. Patience. Unconditional love and forgiveness… let those sink deep into your heart. I can promise you will see His mercy and tender heart and you will flourish in rebuilding what was once wrecked.
In Hopes to all Broken things are Restored,
Krista June
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