Why?

My first time walking the streets was in the winter of 2011. At first the idea seem ludicrous, but with a large group of friends going out to speak to the homeless and needy I figured why not? I wanna help people too! Heart pounding with nothing but nerves I had to quiet it somehow. It didn't take long before I realized just how powerful of an impact this sort of action could, would and should have on everyone involved. 

Everyone has a story. Some are filled with bravery. Some are silliness. Sadness, joy, love, let downs, brokeness, courage and a million other things are found amongst these stories. This isn't a new discovery to me, and it wasn't back in 2011 either. But what struck me with more force was the understanding that through all the down, miserable, horrific pasts that were presented to me, then and today, I had no answer to one question they would ask us time after time, “Why?” Why would a loving father, lord, allow such terrible hurts and situations to occur to such innocent, harmless, people? To this day I never try and answer this question. I have simply felt, “I have no answer. They are just in their fury. Their hurt is real. I understand why they wouldn't want to believe in God.”

I have listened to many histories and some are absolutely unimaginable. I have heard of deaths of entire families except the man before me. I’ve listened to stories of a father molesting his daughters, mothers having her children play Russian roulette with each other while herself and friends watch and laugh as if it were a game. I witnessed the excitement of finding out a baby was expected into the world to weeks later discovering the most precious thing in life actually lost its life. I have seen and heard stories of parents losing their babies for no known reasons. I, myself, have lost my mother to cancer and seen other diseases destroy and kill. I’ve heard of car accidents and drugs taking only children. Fathers beating mothers to death in front of their children. And, believe it or not, many other horrific events that have transformed lives. So, when I’m asked, “If God is real and loving, why would he allow these things to happen?” I am speechless. 

For many of you who know me, know that speechless isn't something A. that happens much and B. I am okay with. I like answers. Now four years into being a missionary and starting my own ministry were “street walking” will be a focus, I have found the hole in my heart for not knowing the answer to this question too large and too large to be “content” with. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a question I’ve never stopped searching out. But now, I am determined to find the answer. So, as I normally do in these situations, I started praying harder and harder and harder. (For those of you who don't know, I am a prayer warrior if nothing else. And I USUALLY hear God VERY clear and strongly.) I have been praying a lot about this answer for months now, for someone dear to me asked me over the summer this very question and I had no real answer for her. She, was one who told me of a couple of the incidences above. And since that day I’ve wanted to answer her and anyone else who ever asks me it. Another horrific situation that came to my attention yesterday had me especially praying out. “LORD!! ANSWER ME! HOW DO YOU EXPECT PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN IN THEIR LIFE BELIEVE IN YOU!!! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT A GENIE AND YOU DON’T JUST GRANT WISHES, BUT I MEAN, COME ON!!! YOU COULDN’T HAVE SPARED THIS PAIN, THIS TIME?! I KNOW YOU COULD HAVE BUT TELL ME WHY YOU DIDN’T SO I CAN EXPLAIN!!” I sat in silence. Nothing. Frustrated and hurt I texted a friend I was just that. Then I went back to praying. (Quick disclaimer, I yell at God a lot. lol. Not in a fighting tone. In a desperation to know him tone. A pleading tone… a loud loud loud pleading tone. I trust he does nothing without love and that I will likely not get my way the way I want. lol. I do not ask for things to be MY way but that I understand HIS.) “FATHER? HELLO?! YOU THERE?” (I often do this until I feel his presence strongly.) “THEEEERE WE GO! OK, YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHY! HOW DO I EXPLAIN TO A HURT, ANGRY RESENTFUL HEART!?! YOU MADE ME SO I NEED DETAILED, NO SUGAR COATED BULL, ANSWERS TO FEEL I’VE GOT IT RIGHT, SO, HERE I AM… GIVE ME DIRECT!!” Nothing. To save time… this went on for about 15 hours. I’m about to give up as I wonder into my room for the night, “Lord?” I said, deflated from any kind of fight. “I just don’t get it. One day you’ll throw me a bone. Until then, I’ll stay silent when I hear their hearts breaking and crying. You know why… I don't need to. Peace.” And as I said, “peace.” I heard, “Child, trust me. Trust me. Trust me.” I wanted to speak a moment, ok, I wanted to interrupt. But I heard, “Child, still. Trust. Can you trust me, please?” I wanted to ask what that meant but felt it on my heart to not converse, to just hear. So I did.

The conclusion was simple but had me thinking further in-depth. How often do we want an answer and never hear? How often do we demand He reveals His end plan? Basically, how often do we feel “entitled”? A friend reminded me it isn’t us who actually makes the change in any persons life. It isn't what we do or not. The power is not in our hands whether or not the non-believer starts to believe. We literally haven’t any control over anything other than if God tells us to act, act. He says to speak, we speak. The rest lies in our trust in him. The cold harsh, truth is horrible things happen and we will never understand why. Also, we often feel, as believers that what we are doing isn't changing anything. Isn’t making any impact on anything. In reality we don’t always see the works that are happening WITHIN ones heart and soul. Sometimes it appears nothing is being stitched back together, no healing, no restoration is happening, but in reality the other person is sitting in awe and taking in all the truth spoken. Allowing the sewing that’s been needed for such a long time to occur. 

I would be lying if I said this answer settles well with me. It doesn’t. I want to be able to tell my friend, who asked, an EXACT scientific reason to why these horrible things happen. I want to, with my answer, change her faith. But with my faith I know my God and I know in time she and all the others will see the truth of His heart and love. The pain of the pasts haven't a set in stone truth for life. It can be healed and understood. When bearing through the storm, trusting is the only thing we can do. And when we seem side-lined, listening with an open heart.

Healing Rain is Coming Down,

Kris