As I was driving home from work today I was thinking through
my attitude minutes prior. I had realized it was nasty at best. Quickly the
mind did what it had been trained to; think of an excuse as to why. Sadness was
the first and longest standing reasoning behind the miserable person I had just
been. Infuriated with myself I begged God to help me release the lies and pains
that rest deep within and claim and declare the truth to who I was. Without a
doubt I knew that He would answer me. That is who my Father was after all; a
care giver whose favorite thing to do was forgive and love me. These thoughts
swam their way through my mind just as my vision blurred enough to see the rear
lights in front of me shine brightly in heart shape. You can imagine the fright
that ran through me, unable to see clearly, or so I thought. Blinking a few
times to clear up my contacts I realize shortly after my contacts were fine,
God was simply showing me what he felt for me. I followed the car for another
10 minutes or so and the hearts never faded for more than a second at a time. I
am, as you are, deeply cherished and loved.
Shortly after
arriving home I found myself, like I often do, looking at pictures from our
Uganda trip. Contemplating the drive and what God had shown me the questions
started flowing. "How did I know He would answer me? What if I never knew
anything good of Him, forgiveness, love, willingness to talk with me? How would
I handle life if I grew up with these kids?" and many more. What hit me
the hardest was that I experienced a small taste of what these children endure,
I could escape back home to a "better place", and the biggest of all
the issues... I never had to return. In fact, I could leave whenever I pleased.
I starred and starred at the broadest of all the pictures. To be honest, it was
one that many times I quickly skip past not giving it a thought. A scene shot
of what every day typically looked like with everyone being candid. Matt with
two or three babies peeing and pooping on his lap. Whitney holding and caring
for Joy. Celia holds McGuire joking and laughing with the kids. London getting
his hair done. Tex sitting on the ledge, legs hanging off, with a few of the
kids leaning on his back and lap. Anthony talking shop with some of the adults
in charge. And each one of the kids with, doing something, or looking for a
Muzungo or working as they were directed. Sadness devoured my heart. The one
thing God allowed me to witness on a 15 minute drive home was something every
single one of these children lacked... love. As the Freight train of sadness
crashed my heart into the steal wall all I could find the words to pray were,
"Father, help it to end."
The realization
that found my heart was some people, children and babies too, all around the
world never can escape the storm. The storm doesn't have some cute name like
"Katrina" or "Harry" its name is life. There's no rescue
teams coming in or blood drives being run just for them. Or at least not
enough. We don't see on our weekly football games a website for others more
fortunate to donate. It’s as if they don't exist. What terrorizes my thoughts continually,
night after night, is that most these people live lives as if mother nature or
some other horrific event happened, when in all reality, they were born into
it. As most of you know my niece was born in June 2013 and we had been taking
care of a 3 month old while in Uganda. I can't help but to recall my plane ride
home thoughts as I'm sharing this with you now. They ran something like this, "Joy
hasn't any choice to what happens to her. She will be used and mistreated most
likely all her life. She will likely never be above "lower class" in
the eyes of the world. She was brought into this world in a miserable, evil,
way (mother was raped by her uncle). And at least once in her life she will
likely wish she were never born. All because for some reason God made her and
destined her life to be Ugandan. She had no choice. As where my niece (Khloe. I
didn't know her name at the time) will be born in one of the most wealthy
countries on earth, will not only have a mom and dad that love her but aunts,
uncles, grandparents. All of which is anyone ATTEMPTED to hurt her in ANY
fashion would protect her if it meant their own death. She will have
opportunities to become anything she wants. Her health won’t suffer from
malnutrition, worms, or HIV (most likely). And why? Because God placed her in
North America. She, like Joy, has no choice. Yet, Khloe will know love,
compassion and forgiveness much sooner than Joy. She will have opportunity Joy
can only dream of. I don't get it." I understand these thoughts may not be
how life pans out for either of these two. But I know the odds are DRASTICALLY
in Khloe's favor. My heart can’t help but to ask why? A teacher of mine, Troy
Sherman, shared an alarming static while he was with us. It reads, "In the
United States of America ALONE spend $480 BILLION dollars during Christmas time
ONLY EACH YEAR! It would take TEN BILLION to solve WORLD hunger." World
hunger could be solved with just $10 billion. Of course my heart is strong for
the Ugandan people, children especially, but the WORLD. I can't help but to sit
here and ask, "Why Lord? Why are so many suffering? And worse Lord, why
are so few helping?"
I don't write
any of this to rise up guilt. On a general basis I hate that tactic. But I
can't shake the feeling of my heart being crushed between sadness and fury. My
tears flow understanding that in my lifetime I'll be a blessing if I bring just
one person out of the storm. While my muscles tense and jaw clinches with
determination to make it the world. After all, what makes me so special I get to feel and see Gods love in the rear light of a car while others never get to? God so loved the WORLD he gave his one and only Son...
With power to clear the clouds for at least one,
Krista June
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